The State of Catatonia

By Hector Cuello

It's 2525, and contrary to Zager and Evans song, man is still not alive. All human life was wiped out by an apocalyptic virus in 2520. In pampered households, domestic pets perished from hunger or were eaten.  

 Dogs and horses, being kind of dumb and dependent on humans, also quickly died. Zoo animals, unable to escape, died of starvation. Aquariums dried up. There were reports-carried by the ravens–of mass starvation of beagles at a lab in Michigan run by a former congressman who was identified as “Patient Zero.” There were also rumors of wolves and bears still alive. It's unknown if there are fish left, though there are some birds.

Two feral cats sat on a rooftop, looking over a deserted Chicago. 

The first one, named Felix, mused, licking its black and white paw.

 Jinx, the second one, laughed, “Yeah, a real catastrophe. Meow-meow.”

“Nice one, now let’s head west. I heard there are cats setting up a government there,” Felix said, as they jumped lightly onto the next building.

They headed west but became disoriented and end up wandering in the wilderness. They never find the cat utopia.

 Cats, being wily creatures, survived by banding together. They set up their base of operations in Cat Spring, Texas, because it’s kind of central. Catalina Island lost out because cats don't really swim. Ravens reported that several cats had drowned trying to reach the island on a homemade catamaran.

An older cat, Crazy Diamond, whose former pet person was a politician, offered to lend her knowledge to help them set up their government.

Not having a dictionary, the cats decided to name themselves “The State of Catatonia.” Their goal was to set up a cat utopia. A Persian from NY named Princess Ellen was chosen by show of paws to be the leader.

At a meeting later, she was officially crowned Queen Princess Ellen, the first of her kind (QPE1).

With Crazy Diamond's mentorship, they set out to establish a cat bill of rights.

They all agreed that cats are no longer required to wear bells or silly costumes. 

They also proclaim that cats may give up their “slave” names, although none do.

They try to set up an actual constitution but they are unable to write, so they decide on just a simple motto:

Access to Catnip is a cat right

Crazy Diamond opined,  “It might sound better in Latin.”

No cat speaks Latin, so never mind.

After six days of  Crazy Diamond guiding them through the process, they became fatigued. They agreed to rest on the seventh day; and all took a much-deserved catnap.  

When they woke up, they found that Crazy Diamond had passed over the rainbow bridge to cat heaven. The cats gathered to celebrate her and give her a proper burial.

 QPE1, whose former pet owner was an English PhD, gave a heartfelt speech ending with a quote from Shakespeare: “I have come to bury Crazy Diamond. The good is oft interrèd with their bones. But not here, here we will carry her torch. -Shine on you Crazy Diamond-shine on”

All the cats were teary-eyed 

But life must go on…

For sustenance they scavenge for patches of catnip that a raven called Sagan pointed out. They ate small birds and mice and even opened bags of Puppy Vittles with their sharp teeth and claws for sustenance, since they did not have the opposable thumbs to open the abundant supply of Feline Feast cans at a big box superstore. They spent most of their time playing with balls of wool they found at the superstore, and other toys and treats they found at a pet store. Many cats are upset about not being able to make cat videos, since the humans were gone. The kittens would also go out and swat flies off dead dogs and such to keep themselves entertained. 

Cat life was good except for the Mr. Whiskers incident. The orange tabby was accused by QPE1 of looking at her sideways and giving her the evil eye. There were no witnesses and some claimed Orange Haired Cat bias was at play. Nonetheless he was exiled.

A week later, one of the tuxedo cats spotted half-eaten remains down by a stream where some raccoons liked to hang out; they assumed it was him. After that, nobody dared look QPE1 in her cat’s eye.

One day, a chimp approached the compound security kiosk, waving a white flag.

“My group sent me to ask for a parley,” he told the two tabbies standing guard.

Mr. Tee, the security cat, consulted with QPE1 and she agreed that they would meet with the chimp.

As they sat around a feast of dead mice and other tiny field animals, the chimp spoke first. “My name is Subject 25. I used to be a lab specimen, but when the humans died, we freed ourselves. We live in the woods over yonder. You can just call me 25. I represent about 100 lab Chimps. I would like us to help each other, a sort of joint venture. What is your number one priority?”

  After a whispered discussion with her two Bengal cat officers, QPE1 stated that their priority is obtaining a regular supply of food.

The chimp nodded. “Safety is our priority, because my group is afraid that hungry wolves and bears might attack. The ravens reported a mass movement from the north.”

 “Good to know,” QPE1 answered regally. “You know what Lincoln said about a house divided.”

 “Actually, I never heard that,” 25 scratched his head and casually flicked off a flea. “We only know about the room full of monkeys with typewriters.”

QPE1 nodded. “Yeah, my old pet human told me that one.”

An older feral black cat named Boots asked, “How do you get food to survive?” 

 The Chimp said proudly, “We've been using can openers to open corned beef, beefaroni, and even cans of Feline Feast.”

 “What the hell man-why?” Boots hissed, his hair standing on end, “Feline Feast is our food, not yours!”

“Well,” 25 calmly answered. “I have the opposable thumbs-you don’t.”

Boots coughed up a gigantic hairball. “Well, apparently you can't read-that’s cat food!”

Claws came out and the meeting started to devolve, so QPE1 called for a 3-day recess. 

 As 25 left the meeting, Boots swatted him with his paw. The Chimp just looked down at him and responded with, “Opposable thumbs are the cat’s meow, aren’t they?”

That night, they had a tense meeting.  

 QPE1 noted that the Chimps would be a future threat. “They will use the thumbs issue like a truncheon to take over and enslave us. Maybe even eat us. Remember they can rip your face off.” QPE1 flipped over the tiny rock with her paw. “I proclaim opposable thumbs to be weapons of mass destruction.”

 Everybody agreed except Boots, “Yes, but he did have a point about thumbs. Can’t we come to an agreement with them?”

“No they’re friends now, later they'll be colonizers.”Stated QPE1,  shaking her head. 

Mr. Tee agrees, “Yes, it’s a security risk.”

Holding a caucus with three Maine coons, two Siamese, four Tuxedos, and a barn cat, they decide to proactively eliminate the chimp threat before they get a foothold.

They brainstorm and agree to a plan suggested by QPE1. They send a message to the Chimps that there will be a friendship celebration at the cat compound, but they only have room for about 20. The Chimps agree.

The cats get some apples from a nearby orchard. Labby, who worked at the lab catching mice, remembers the experiments on the Chimps. She sneaks into the lab and finds that the Chimps tore it up and abandoned it. She looks for the tranquilizer that was used to knock out any out-of-control Chimps. She scrounged around. She looked for the medicine used to calm out-of-control Chimps. She inspected a pallet full of Raid bug spray, and gave a disappointed meow, “Now, a pallet of flea collars–that would be useful.” 

She found the tranquilizer and brought back a few bottles in liquid form.  

The cats got to work on the plan.

They bite off chunks with their teeth and soak the apple chunks in the tranquilizer.  

QPE1 orders that during the celebration, Mr. Tee and a team would go out and make sure the rest of the Chimps are in their compound.

During the celebration, about 20 Chimps came and happily ate the apple during the get together. Boots noted that they were well-behaved. The departing Chimps were given the remaining apple chunks in “doggy bags” to take back to their group.

The cats waited a day and go out to the chimp camp. They find the Chimps all knocked out. They ransacked the compound and steal the five can openers and a couple of cases of Feline Feast. 

QPE1 notes, “If we can’t open them, then neither can they.” 

QPE1’s plan worked flawlessly. The Chimps were spooked by the sneak attack and decided to resettle somewhere else. Because they consider Chimps to be more nutritious than cats, the wolves and bears follow.

QPE1 sends Mr. Tee and a team out to see if there is anything left to scavenge. The team reports that the compound is picked clean but on the way back they discover a young chimp that was forgotten or abandoned. 

Mr. Tee suggests just leaving out in the elements and letting nature take its course. “Why would we bring it here? What if the Chimps come back?” 

QPE1 stated, “Sagan the raven reports that they’ve settled in a safer area about 7 miles from here. They seem to be thriving. They won’t be a problem.”

QPE1 who was grooming the chimp with a cat hair brush had a brainstorm. 

She calls Labby over, “Tell me Labby, what exactly were the humans doing over at that lab?”

“Well, they were doing some genetic splicing using chimp and human DNA to produce a super human soldier.” 

QPE1 probes, “And you saw how they did it?”

“Yes, it looked pretty straightforward-just follow the procedure-even a cat could do it.”

“And you think that you can do it?” Responded an excited QPE1, her ears perking up. 

“Yes, but why would we?”

QPE1 doesn’t elaborate. Now she decides that she will be the one to preserve their future. “I have a plan.” She confers with Labby and sets her plan in motion.

Labby, using equipment recovered from the destroyed lab, uses DNA swabs from QPE1 and the chimp hair sample collected from the brush to produce a hybrid via gene splicing. 

After the procedure, the chimp was given some of the cans of Feline Feast and one can opener.  Mr. Tee and a team escorted the chimp within a mile of the new chimp camp and pointed the way home.

The Chimps send a message via Sagan, thanking the cats for returning their prodigal chimp, which they assumed was eaten by wolves. They further state that they are grateful for the return of the can opener and the cases of cans. They express hope that Chimps and cats can all live in peace in the future.

QPE1 is not impressed and does not respond. She tells Mr. Tee that giving only 1 of the 5 can openers will keep the Chimps dependent on her generosity, “I may not be done with them yet.” 

Despite some setbacks, the process worked. After an incubation period of 165 days, the first hybrid looked like a cat, but has opposable thumbs.

Everybody rejoices.

The cats celebrate by meowing, licking and grooming each other.

A year later, the can opener is finally used and the cats have an exquisite “Feline Feast.”

5 years after the first hybrid, Labby perfected the procedure and more followed. 

After 10 years (about 60 cat years) of relative peace,  there was a period of upheaval, called “The Troubles.” Mr. Tee III and his security forces were called upon to use force during food riots resulting from a failed catnip harvest. After some time, things quieted down.  But recently there were several coup attempts by some radical Orange Tabbies. They were still holding a grudge about their folk hero, Mr. Whiskers’s exile. Following the royal rule of ascension, QPE4 ascended to the throne and ruled with an iron paw.

By now, approximately 20% of the cats have opposable thumbs. These hybrids are used for all the tasks the thumbless cats couldn’t do.

QPE4 decides to send a team led by a hybrid black cat named Marquis de Lafayette to a destroyed sporting goods store to scavenge some guns and bullets. They practice in case other predators show up. 

One day Sagan the raven reported a horde of roaches and other insects approaching, ”They'll be here by sunrise tomorrow.” 

 “What is your best estimate?” QPE4 asked concerned.

The raven squawks and answers, “Actually, there are billions and billions-so, good luck! You could’ve used some Chimps and a shit load of Raid right about now.” 

 QPE4 calls Mr. Tee III over and they discuss strategies. Mr. Tee III is not optimistic. “We never planned for this, we always assumed that the threat would come from the bigger predatory species.”

“So what is your worst case scenario, you’re the security cat.”

He felt that QPE4 was trying to pass the blame. “We’ll be overrun, 1 day is not enough time to marshal resources. We’ve never followed up with the Chimps. In other words we shit the cat bed -well not literally-but...”

QPE4 snapped, “But what?-Cat got your tongue? Speak up fool!”

His spirit broken, Mr. Tee III just sauntered away.

Since Labby II is at the lab and not part of the conversation. She can’t relay that her mom told her that she found the cache of Raid cans.  

Sagan returns with an update, “You are not going to like this, but it seems that the insects were organized and are being led by 3 cats. They go by the names:  Mr. Whiskers IV, Jinx III and Felix IV. 

QPE4, now as frantic as a cat trying to bury shit on a hot tin roof, coughs up a hairball, “This is going to be a catastrophe!”

The End